Gorgeous boy....

I feel like I scrapbook this one more....but it's only because he's home with me...
and he's still at that age of ridiculous-ness & gives me fantastic quotes...
I wish I could go back and remember all the boys at this age...
I never wrote things down....too "busy".....thought I'd remember...
of course....
I don't....

His birthday was the day after Alex died.
It was very surreal that day for me.....
I wanted it to be as normal as possible because he'd looked so forward to it....
counting the days down for months....
and he had elaborate plans for us.
So..
we did them all.
The bowling...the lunch....the shopping at the skate shop....the movie....
it was ...absurd as it sounds.... a lovely day.
Just us....
my baby on his special day...
healing me without even realizing it.
Looking back I think....I should have mourned then....not celebrated....
but then I remember that time with Jack, and I know it was ok...

***ETA....Well....

it's now time for me to retire....

my five year old is turning out better layouts than i am...... ;) xxxe

OOOOO-K.....

Let's lighten the mood a bit....
I'm working on it...
I am.

So....here's a glimpse into how it's been around the house lately....

Jared has informed me that laundry...is not an option.
hmm....
something about underwear...
and him needing it.
?
something about I'm suppose to "wash what is in the dirty pile"...
hmmm....
the expectations around this place haven't let up I tell you.

i however think that my subdued personality has been nice for somethings...
like say for instance...
the marathon recorder jam sessions that have been taking place in my home...
you heard that right...
the recorder.
merrily we row along, old mcdonald...
yeah....really, nothing like an eleven year old on the recorder to remind you how important a sense of humor really is.

speaking of sense of humor....
a story for you before i sign off...
because while most people have then occasional "jessica moment"...i have them daily.
SO....we're at the service in Racine....and afterwards they have a "reception" or something,
i don't really get it...because
a. you're not hungry, and
b. you don't really want to talk to a bunch of people you hardly know or remember.....
but it's nice i suppose....
so we're there, and i'm thinking i should go talk to Alex's coach again before he leaves,
to get contact information, etc...for the race...
he was standing next to a man and woman, but they weren't talking...
so I go over to him....
we start talking...
we realize we went to school together....
(cut me a little slack, there were like 500 in my class, and he was a year older or younger)
soo, he's saying
"you wouldn't remember me, i was skinny and dorky, and took some dumb classes"....
this is where the story picks up...
so in an effort to make him feel better (ok, and also because it's true)
I say.....
SO eloquently...
"OH, I took stupid classes too....like sports lit"
yep, that is what i said.
The woman pipes in (the one still standing there w/ her husband)
"Oh...that's what my husband teaches"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So, now you realize....I'm completely embarrassed, and when this happens, instead of just letting it go....I have to try and make up for it by talking....in fact...i can't stop....
so...I continue....
thus...making it that much worse.....
"OH, WELL, I LOVED sports lit....it was the best class ever....I mean, why would you take smart classes like AP English, when you could take sports lit (yep, i said that...omg)....I loved writing papers about sports...it was the best"
DUH!
What the.....?!?!
Ok, so there you go.
even at a funeral....I can manage to make a complete ass out of myself.
It's a gift really.

Last, but not least...
I got this email last week....

"You have a choice Erika, and I'm sure you'll make the right one. Choose to remember the best of Alex, not the end. There was no happy ending, but she did have one hell of a plot, story-line and page-turning life. Just remember the good parts. I can't promise you your healing will go quick, but I can promise you that you will feel better....about yourself and about your memories of Alex. Your a very special person, and making yourself feel bad about Alex is not going to help anyone, including yourself. Instead, do a little more to make others feel better and you'll feel better about yourself. Tell them how much you care...."
(Thankyou Dan)

So, to everyone...thank you....Kirsten you are an angel.....Missy, Erin, April...miss Charmer....everyone that made cards for us, ...that emailed......just the words you have given me, they've helped so very much.
I've read and re-read them all.... my mantel is a very happy place right now....
I feel so blessed. xxxe

ps.
We sold our house.

pps.
If anyone knows anything about road races.....ANYTHING....please email me....
Gabby and I are working on it...and we don't want to miss anything important...
like today we realized we needed a timer...
the two of us w/ stop watches just won't cut it....;)
ahhh-yah.....
(i am not a runner folks....)

Al...

I hope....
you know now that I wish I'd taken you back with me in October...
I wish I'd tried...
I hope you know it was because I didn't think it would help...
not because I didn't love you..
I hope...
you know that I was angry out of frustration...
not at you....
I hope you know that I loved you.
That I feel guity...
guilty...
we hadn't spoken since then...
guilty....
that I'm sure you died hating me...
not understanding my actions...
my words....
I hope...
you know it breaks my heart...
over and over and over again...
I hope...
you know the truth now...
I think you must...
I hope...

love these girls....xxxe

NIKEgoddess

The back view of Nike, Goddess of victory, Dvorak Hall(Rudolfinum), Prague, Czech Republic.

Thank you Karen

In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
as if all the stars
were laughing
when you look
at the sky at night

~The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Alex

The race that Alex DeVinny had with life was cut short by her long-time rival, anorexia nervosa. She lost that race on Sunday, March 5, 2006, when her large and generous heart just stopped beating. She was 20 years old. Alex was born in Racine on October 14, 1985, to Doug and Lana DeVinny. During her brief two decades, she touched many people with her intelligence, humor, courage, and athletic ability. She was recognized as a runner of rare athletic ability, who set course records throughout the state, winning the state championship in the 3200 M race in her junior year. But more than a fine athlete, she excelled academically, graduating with honors from Park High School in 2004 and recruited by many universities. Unfortunately, she was unable to attend as the eating disorder became more controlling. Her love of books, popular culture, Nike apparel, and Steve Madden shoes was legendary. She was also a talented Artist whose interest was in making jewelry created with her handmade lamp work beads. As an eighth grader, she was awarded a WCATY (Wisconsin Center for Academically Talented Youth) Grant to pursue research in hot glass bead making. Most importantly, Alex was a kind, honest, and generous human being, who cared deeply for her family and friends, as well as for social issues and environment. She will forever be missed by the people she touched, but especially by her family. In addition to her parents, Doug and Lana DeVinny of Racine, her survivors include her sisters, Gabrielle (Michael) Fekete of Cary, N.C. and Erika (Colin) Willard of Greenville, N.C.; her nephews, Jared, Colten, and Jack Willard; and numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins throughout the United States. Her two four-legged friends, Baby and Nike are still waiting for her to come home. The service celebrating Alex's life will be held at Mount Pleasant Lutheran Church, 1700 South Green Bay Road, on Saturday, March 11, 2006, at 10:30 a.m. with Rev. Kara F. Baylor officiating. Burial will take place at Graceland Cemetery on Monday, March 13, 2006, at 10:30 a.m. Family and friends are invited to meet in the Draeger-Langendorf Funeral Home on Friday evening from 5 until 8 p.m. for a public visitation. There will also be a visitation in the church on Saturday from 9:30 until 10:30 a.m. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the family, who will establish something in Alex's name at a later time. Her family wishes to thank the brave efforts of the ER and Intensive Care Unit of All Saints - St. Mary's Medical Center to save Alex's life, especially the caring and skilled nurses, Kerri and Mary Jo. They would also like to encourage those who work in law enforcement, human services, and the justice system to think seriously about the victims of anorexia nervosa and make the effort to care for them in a way that would treat the disorder rather than punish the victim.


Thank you to all of you.
For your prayers and friendship during this time.
It was an incredibly hard week...but the anger is gone, and the good memories have returned.
They were gone for so long...it's nice to have them back.
I missed them so...

Please take some time and read about my sister-
here and here.....

The visitation was amazing.
The line literally wrapped around, and around, and out the door....
So many young girls came through the line and simply said "I didn't know your sister well, but I knew of her, and this is my wake up call. I've been suffering with an eating disorder for years." Cross Country and Track teams from every school from all around the county were there, as a team....coaches as well.

Alex didn't know she touched that many people, of this I'm sure.
I know she felt alone, I know she didn't think anyone cared, including me.
I wish she knew.
I wish we could have had some magic that would have given her the chance to feel the love we all felt on Friday.
Some way she could have seen what we did that day.

Gabby and I are organizing a memorial run this summer.
In her honor.
With the help of her high school coach....
who said...
"I was going to quit coaching after this year...but now I'm going to keep going...because I know I can help someone...I just wish I could have helped Alex."
We want to raise money for awareness...
We need to help others, where we tried to help Alex.
Please plan on coming....
if you can.
I know I speak for Gabby when I say we'd be honored.
I know I speak for Alex when I say she'd be so very very touched.

Thank you.
Love-Erika

ps. Please give Gabby some love right now, things unfortunately became even worse for us all on Saturday. I'll let her explain...but she could use some support.