Monday, March 02, 2009

Not without much Love...

last week Jack came home very excited.
he talked non-stop about the book they had read in class about rabbits,
and how the teacher had gotten not one, but two rabbits for the class.
how they had each chosen a name,
and voted as a class.
and his girl name won.
Sophie.
a good name he thought.
the most exciting part?
each child would get to bring a rabbit home for a night.

I paused.
"a real rabbit?"
thinking I had yet to work up to allowing the dog the boys have begged for,
and now the teacher was springing house rabbits on me.
"nooooo mom...a stuffed wabbit"

and so yesterday,
a very excited Jack bound through the door with Copper.
the very stuffed wabbit.
"he has to go everywhere with me mom"
Copper went to dinner with us at McAllisters last night, for the school fundraiser.
to basketball practice and then to baseball practice.
he missed out on the shower, but went straight to bed after Jacks.
the best was hearing Jack talk excitedly about the
"weason for the wabbit, and the stowy about the wabbit"...
and saying "dad! you get to hold the wabbit during baseball"
Colin holding that light blue bunny made me smile.
Colten informed me that he would never consider holding that rabbit, or bringing it with him anywhere people might actually see...
But Jack
he loved it.
and was excited by the magic of it.
of the story that came to life...
and he relished his time with that wabbit.
even on the way to school he said he was so happy he still got to spend the day with the wabbit before passing it off to the next boy in class for their turn...
that's Jack.

I've sat down to blog all week.
and I've actually for a change had plenty to say.
I planned on talking about the odd dream I had.
(involving twins, Coley being called Rocco and a mall)
how we went truck and sofa shopping last weekend.
(not fun at all)
my trip to WalMart.
(I think I talk about this weekly, nothing new)
the similarities the boys share with Colin and me.
(I will get to that post eventually)
and
I've had a photo frame link I wanted to post that Erin sent me.
I've written the posts in my head while cleaning.
and showering.
and cooking.
then I've sat down.
and not been able to write a thing.

This week.
weighs on my soul.
and yet.
it arrives during a week of such excitement here.

Alex died the day before Jack's birthday.
I didn't want to forevermore associate the two, or have him feel my sadness....
but I inevitably knew that they now would forever be fused.
and yet.
God gave me the opportunity to have my bright and shiny baby be my distraction.
and at the same time, my gentle reminder.
He knew I would need that.
that focus for the week.
the planning.
the energy that a little one gets when anticipating their special day,
gives me peace.
and makes me focus on Jack.
just like I did three years ago.
I'm not sure if that makes me selfish.
it might.
but I know it is the way I will forever deal with this week,
for my Jack.
and for me.

as I picked out the table decorations yesterday,
I smiled and knew that Al was happy with my choices.
I'm sure she nodded at the decision I made to go with the white paper for the tabletop,
and crayons...
because well,
Jack loves to draw.
like both of us.
and I got the confetti.
and the cokes in bottles.
and I laughed at my small son's birthday request...
for "a scavenger hunt like Coley had"
no present request.
just a request of my time.
and my love.
and that my son I can honor.
with all of me.

7 comments:

gabbyfek said...

love you, beautiful sister.
this is perfect.
just like jack
and his wabbit.
i love it all so much.
and you. so, so, SO much, sisserfriend. every single day. always always always.
and i hope i tell you that enough.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.

essie said...

erika
my heart aches.
i'm glad for jack, and the light of his life hand in hand in yours...
i love you, my friend-
lots and lots.
me

tara pollard pakosta said...

So happy you have Jack to focus on and that all he requires is your love. It must be so hard to lose a sister, I can't even imagine what you go through. Hugs to you friend....
tara

sarah said...

i love how excited jack was over his wabbit friend! young, innocent love of a stuffed wabbit. so cute :)

and as far as focusing on jack this week? no, my friend, that is NOT selfish what so ever. i believe in the saying that God only gives us what we can handle...He knew you needed some distraction, some peace amongst the pain and He gave you jack.

love you sweet friend...
and thinking of you and gabby this week.

Missy said...

I can never pretend to know how you girls feel, losing a sister... but I can let you know that I thin about you often, and say a little prayer... and I'm thankful you have each other to lean on. xoxox

Karoline said...

This is very sweet.
:) Love and hugs to you! K

Katie E. said...

I just found you on facebook, and then remembered this blog, which I hadn't visited in a long time.

Selfish? No way. You are anything but selfish. Alex wants you to be celebrating.

Hang in there, and happy birthday to Jack tomorrow. <3